Email i sent to my worker's supervising about my distress

I wish I could make all of you all see that my life is not worth the effort and time people and society waste on me. The amount of money for my shortest least medical risked hospitalization I had this year which was the one at the very end of march I was billed for more than $9,000 by Lynchburg general hospital but then the insurance must have finally paid it because after arguing with them several times I have not heard from then since. From my understanding my overdose in February and in June must have been much more expensive than that and if not even so that alone just in those 3 times that is saying that roughly $30,000 has been wasted of taxpayers’ money. That does not include; my medication I am now prescribed, my mental health support payments to ehs, my psychiatrist payments to ehs, my payments to csb for what they claimed to be treatment such as therapy psychiatry and case management; and I am saying just the monetary value of taxpayers’ money being wasted on a worthless life just in the last 10 months not including the factors of wasted effort, care, understanding, concern, and the distress placed upon people who must work with me. it just puts way too much value into a no-good nothing who will never be productive in society and who these resources should not be wasted on. Resources are hard to come by in life and so why is it being wasted on something such as me? Why must society waste their time and effort on a low life such as I when in fact all this could be used elsewhere on deserving individuals who want something more and want to live. People who someday will be worth the money, effort, care, time, and stress. Why Not just stop wasting time services and money on me.

I am not saying that Jane has not helped me tremendously as over the past few months I have gone through a lot with taking my trip to my families and then the emotions coming from stuff like that. She has supported me through difficulties with my landlords and helped me meet with them and express my concerns regarding my lease terms and difficulties with the new neighbors. She also has put up with my unjustifiable anger towards her and not walked away from me as she should have. Jane has supported me and urged me to continue taking my medication even when I don’t want and when I choose not to she still stands by me no matter what my decision has been. She has helped me many times with my hopeless feelings and helped me see some glimpses of hope. We have shared some peaceful moments in the community and doing community activities. She has linked me to services and helped me with things that has been difficult by encouraging me to do things even when I feel unmotivated especially lately when all I want to do is stay in bed she comes and so I have no choice but to make sure I get up. Well not that if I laid there in bed she could do anything really about it but just the fact of her consistency in my life has helped. With all that is happening my life feels so hopeless and though I continue to want to die recently the past week daily every waking hour and I plan the right moment I will do this when she comes here she helps me see more than these thoughts and feelings. She helps me realize that not always do I feel this way even when I feel it is like this always and though it may seem to me it is more and more it also is more and more where there are moment s that I am able to enjoy things in life such as the outdoors, fishing or walking in the woods while talking, I do have more moments than I used to that I can say where I enjoy life but life is still pointless.

My life is falling apart. I am facing criminal charges for my own stupidity and inability to stay away from unhealthy and destructive relationships even when I recognize that the relationship is causing me too much harm and is eventually going to end. I do try to take steps and use skills I have learned including communication skills and the sorts to express what is going on and how things are effecting me and I do try to walk away from things before it gets to points such as this incidence but with all the anger I had been unable to control recently I lost it as I used to. I thought I had learned to control that and only had learned how to take the blame for everything including everyone else’s behaviors and choices and now I face consequences for my own behaviors and choices. I also am having difficulties with my son and now allowed my mouth to hurt him and he won’t come home. I fear if I force him home he will runaway anyways or he will have my mother or brother go to court and take him from me which will not be hard since I have been in the medical hospital for mental health issues 3 times this year and alls he has o do is tell the judge he no longer wants to live with me and he wants to go back with them and that will be that. Then the difficulties with the landlord and the lease issues have now turned into me having to move and I have been giving a 30 day notice to move. Where will I go? I may be on medication that is helping me not take my life somewhat and Jane seeing me consistently helps keep me stable for the time but what will I do ultimately. It seems when I am trying to do as all you professionals claim I need to do to better my life such as take medication I seem to be very angry outwardly rather than inwardly. I feel more anxiety and as if things in my life just are getting worse and I am sitting here doing nothing but accepting all this shit. Though I want to kill myself and I have these pills here that should do me in I just do not feel like I have much in me right now left. I feel like there really is nothing left of me. I am just a shell full of anger and rage at the world with no energy to get rid of it. I contemplate everyday whether to continue these medications as I feel they are holding me back right at this moment from having the energy I need to complete my long 32 years of misery and make this all end for everyone involved.

My son Corey, will be better in the long run as he will never have to deal with me emotionally hurting him or telling him to go away again. He will be able to keep the freedom he has and get the freedom he desires. My mother will be free from the burden of helping me when I am distressed fearing if she does not offer then I will end up attempting to take my life but won’t succeed and then she feels guilty, my siblings will be free of the extra stress me being alive puts on them by hearing my mother complaining about what happens here with me. Corey may then decide to stop acting like me against authority figures in school as I am not a discouragement towards his antiauthority behavior he has in school nor am I helpful and have the answers his day treatment counselor seeks from me regularly. If I had the answers then I would be doing it and he would not have them for services but then why am I the one who am looked to for the answers and looked at as like the problem as if I am the one who has done something wrong when in fact I did not raise him and he has only been under my care for 2 years and has never been suspended so I must have had been doing something right for him until recently. But that’s all over with now anyways and he will ultimately be better off with me gone from his life. My son Daniel is the one I worry about the most as he is the oldest of the 4 I have no rights to and he’s the one who may never get adopted but is in a foster home with foster parents. He is the one I worry may ultimately be most impacted by my choice to end my suffering when he seeks me out as he turns of age. I worry he will feel I did not love him enough to keep fighting for him back when I chose not to continue the appeals and then I chose to not wait for him and fighting life waiting for him and that is my fear but in the end when he is an adult and comes to understand that I was never going to get anywhere and would always be miserable and worthless and useless even when he sought me out I hope that he will then realize I loved him and wanted better for him when he grew into a man and so I would rather not be here living suffering still when he grew up. The 2 girls are together and though Autumn was old enough to remember I hope Winter will never remember me and will always only have memories of her adoptive family and so I hope that they keep each other safe and are able to help each other throughout life be stronger women than I have ever or would have ever been. My youngest son may have some vague memories of me but I doubt it and just want for him to forget me as he has a mother who will give him more than I ever could. She hates me and I am sure both sets of adoptive families will teach my children that I was useless and that they will hate me anyways. And so though I desire and yearn to be better for them when they grew older it has been over 4 years now and I still am no different. I am going to be homeless soon as I was back when I fought for them. I am facing criminal charges that could land me in jail and I could get jail time. I most definitely am getting a criminal record out of this because I am not a liar and though the other person involved can lie to any and everyone and swear on their mothers grave and the bible though I am not religious I still will not lie nor sear on peoples life’s or graves or urns or whatever even when telling the truth I would rather just be trusted and tell the truth and so I am not going to lie in court as I did not lie to the police or the magistrate when I went there. I told the truth. I admitted to my wrongs. I also told them I would do it again to if I saw what I saw the many times I saw things happen there at that house. And so I have to deal with the consequences from that choice though I also see a correlation between the fact that in the past when I have been medicated by psychiatrists I have had anger problems outwardly too but when not on medication I more have anger problems inwardly and am able to let my anger and frustrations with others go much easier or to not let their behaviors bother me as much. And more recently I have gotten myself into a pattern of not caring about other issues that in the past I would greatly care about and would cause me so much distress when I placed myself into those situations that I would want to die or hurt myself because of the guilt and shame I felt. Now I just go do the shit and don’t care. I don’t care about the mental effects it causes me and I keep them to myself allowing them to race through my mind. I don’t care about the dangers I am placing myself into. I don’t care about the long term consequences the choices could have which are all things that have been issues for me in the past and I have been in this mode in the past though I can say that it has been a medication thing or not but I just more think the distress, shame, and guilt is not there because of the meds which is a positive in a way but also a big negative because I don’t care about any of the consequences and so I just let whatever happen and do whatever just don’t care. My life is crumbling around me and the water is getting deeper but yet my raft I am floating on is dwindling. And so I have decided maybe I don’t need these pills as much as they are helpful they are also harmful and are keeping me suffering here in life. I am not living though. I don’t have a life. I may be breathing, I may have a heartbeat and they may detect some sort of brainwaves in my head though I am not sure anymore. I am only managing with the help of Jane I am doing all these things but I don’t want to manage. If I cannot live then there is no point in breathing, letting my heart beat, or my brain to continue telling the rest of my organs to keep going. So I stopped my meds yesterday. It is just as damaging for me to take them as it is for me not to take them in my opinion. So I don’t care Everything in my life is falling apart and my life is not worth all this money he system pays to medical providers to keep saving. So ask that if I am found when I decide to let go of life for no one to interfere. I ask that you realize what value there is in Jane as she has helped me so much lately when I have been distressed from all that has been happening and she has supported me encouraged me and worked with me to feel better, to motivate, she has taught me how to trust and that people can care about people without hurting them. Jane is helpful and none of it will ever be because she did or said the wrong thing to me. I do know none of you will never understand but I hope that you will realize someday that I was long gone and a lost cause way before any of you were ever involved in my life. I was destined to die young or live in misery till I am old which would you choose. Die young while people can still speak good things about you and possible leave them hopefully leave them with some positive good lasting memories of you or stay living angrily being miserable and causing everyone to hate you and no one to want to remember you or wanting to even show up at your funeral. You know my choice and just think of it from my point.

At this time I am not immediately going to kill myself so do not get any of your bright ideas of having me eco’d or tdo’d because I am just writing to wanting to express how I feel about things and let you know where I stand on life. I want people to realize that I am a waste of time, money, and resources. I want you to see realize and understand that I struggle and though it gets hard and rough at times there have been some better experiences in my life since my worker was changed 14 months ago. So ask does that mean I keep going that it will definitely get better more and more, no I doubt that since in the last 3 weeks everything around me in my life has falling apart though I am managing it. Maybe if I did not have a mental health worker I trusted and who could help me motivate and get out of bed when all I want to do is sleep then maybe I would already be dead. Maybe I would have taken all those pills a week ago. Maybe if I was not taking the medication I was taking until yesterday I would be in worse shape and then maybe the rest of the services would not help me but I doubt the medication has that much power since the meds are meds I have been on previous and in combination before and alls I see they do for me is cause me more anxiety, make me paranoid or the symptom of paranoia from my BPD come out in me more prominently that I recognize it and it is bothersome to me, make me not care about things I was ashamed of previously and felt guilty for when I did place myself in those situations, and helped me feel my pent up anger and outwardly express it more rather than blame myself or let others blame me and me accept the blame but yet they also have helped my thinking to slow down

and my impulsivity to lesson. They have helped me rationally and emotionally think more in combination so I use my wise mind regarding suicide and self harm and drugs use but not other dangerous behaviors that are impulsive, dangerous, emotionally, mentally, and possibly medically harmful to me. So how long do you think they will take to be completely gone from my system and I can get back to being me and feeling the way I should and being who I really am meant to be?

Well I hope this is helpful to you to understand where I am coming from and what happens. I called the other day just because I knew I needed someone to understand me more than just Jane. I mean she understands to a point but not sure she understands just as I am sure the same goes for you. Will anyone ever fully understand. Nope. Do people try to understand sometimes. Sometimes people do not care enough to try. Sometimes they realize I am not worth their time. Maybe you fit into one category but who knows. I may never know just as all the fakes in my life previously have led me to believe they cared and turned and left me and lied claiming they would not. Lied well anyways I am just struggling and sometimes I just need to talk to more than just Jane I guess and so I called and I have learned to work with you. There was a time when I could not trust you and said I would never talk to you ever again. Now when I feel I am struggling and Jane is not available or I need someone else besides her you are the one I run to. Yeah I talk to family about my stressors but from a rational point rather than an emotional or wise mind point. So I will leave you be and hopefully tonight I will sleep as last night I was up and not home until I came home at 4:30 in the morning and then the night before I did not sleep at all and slept about 3 hours Saturday to make it up. My sleep has been messed up and disturbed all week but I guess it won’t matter too much. Well hope you understand better and life never treats you as it has me. I hope you a long and prosperous life and that when things look as despairing as mine does you have someone to call or write to too.

Bits and pieces...To be continued

Things get overwelming sometines in life. Sometimes they just feel like too much too handle. But yet there is always some hope somewhere. There is always someone somewhere out there who is willing to offer you help even if that help is some encouragement. Alls I have ever needed in my life is people to care about and love me. I have need to be shown by people I matter and that my life is worth something. My parents never showed me that. My parents showed my siblings that to vary degrees but did not really show them that fully either.

My father was never really in my life and when he was he was high. When he did want us to spend time over his house we were there to clean, take care of his second family, go out and pick trash for cans so he could turn them in for money to buy his marijuana, and for us to be seen and not heard unless spoken to. He taught us that women were nothing and men were GOD's. He taught us to fight and snet us to fight with neighbors children when him and his neighbors had difficulties. But for the most part he was not really in my life when I was young. That was more from the ages of 12-15. when I was young and in the system he came to visit me when I was in residential at St. Anns Home very few times and at times when he was supposed to visit and had set visits up he would not show up.

My mom has always physcially been in my life but never really been there emotionally and mentally. I more needed her emotionally than I needed her physically I believe. Her fake care physically in front of social workers and therapist didnot make up for her lack of care emotionally and mentally when I came home when I was 11 and she was emotionally, mentally. and physcially abuseive towards me more than any of the other kids. I was the oldest of the 4 of us and maybe I should have the most responsibilties but I was still a child not the parent, not her boyfriends sex partner when she was not home and working nights, not the slave to do the dishes all the time or clean the house, and not the one responsible for all the fuckups whenever something went wrong. But I was the one who ended up with the consequences from most of it most ofthe time. I was the target of most of her anger. Though her boyfriend stepped inbetween her and I when she was physically abusing me at times and it caused them more arguments i paid a bigger price for it with his sexual abuse. Though at the time I did not recognize it and just knew it felt good, I needed someone to love me, and he seemed to care about me. Though i knew it should not be happening and was wrong for an adult to be with a child or young teenage gir I said nothing. In a way it feels as if it was my fault. I was in therapy and had opportunity to disclose and stop it but did not. instead I let it happen. Instead I felt as if I had to keep letting it happen even during the times i did not want it to happen and it did not feel good because he protected me, gave me things, and stuck up for me with my mom when she was abusing me physically. But he could not stop her emotinal and mental abuse which is what has harmed me most. Even to this day her words still echo in mind alot when I make decisions in my life. Her words still effect my life regularly. She will still at times tell me i am stupid when I make my mind up to do something she disagrees with or she does not want me to do. Or she tells me why dont you want to look nice if i cut my hair or do not wear the clothes she wants me to wear. Sometimes if feels as if nothing I do will ever satisify her or make her happy. I will never be able to make her proud of me and I can never make her love and care about me.


I will continue this later.....

Feeling Words in Use

Feeling Words in Use

Environmental Change is often my way of escaping pain

i do not own this picture nor the thought behind the words....

I understand this feeling though I have taken the evironmental change as an escape and ended up in a worse place than I was before running from the life I had. I have also done the change everything on the outside and still did not feel anything different inside. I have done this my whole life since I was raised by my mother who tried to change the environment we lived in but never changed herself and alls we ever did was move so i learned that way of life though we always ended up back where we were orignally from. Now I am 12 hours away and when I moved here things got worse and although they have settled somewhat I still feel just as miserable inside. just the past few days I have thought about moving away escaping this place and trying to start over again only to realize I cannot because I am forever stuck here. But if i one day decide it is ok for me to leave I am going to make sure that it is not under an emotional circumstance and a desire to run, avoid, escape, or to start over because I go wherever I move and if i have not changed the inside of me then there is no sense in trying to change everything around me.

abandonment and treatment providers effects on the role of abandonment

Why is it when people work in the system they always seem to walk away whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally. They walk away physically more often then mentally and emotionally. But once they walk away physically the mental and emotional parts of them are gone also. But when they emotionally walk away and are still physically there it is hurtful and painful. I believe it is even more damaging, atleast for me it is for someone to stand there and stay around in my life but yet to be emotional distanced and detached. They always seem to use the "bounderies" aspect of things to do this and then eventually there is nothing left. Once the bounderies are started and put in place it just keeps going to more and more extreme distancing.


The distancing created by what they call so called "bounderies" messes me up and makes me realize that it is just a job and that is why they claim to care. They claim to care because they are paid to care. They do not care for me truly. They do not care for me because I am someone they chose to care about and want in their life. Yeah, they say they choose who their clients are and that if they did not want me as a client then they would not have me as a client, but it is still not the same for me. I never have truly found anyone who cared about me really or stuck around for a lifetime.

People in the system tend to make false promises alot just to get you to trust them and then once you let them in and begin trusting them or get attached they distance themselves and detach. They claim it to be "bounderies" and that they are doing for your best interest and that you still matter and they still care for you just as much as they have in the past but yet it never feels that way. It always seem to feel as if they are abandoning you. It always turns out they abandon you. First comes the "bounderies" or emotional abandonment then comes the physical abandonment. it is a regular pattern in my life and seems to happen the same way with people in the system and who are treatment providers.

So then why do I not learn from that? Why is it I continually seek their approval and love? Why is it I keep allowing people in my ife like this and then let this happen to me? I keep allowing mysself to repeatedly be hurt and abandoned. But yet each time the next person I get involved with is able to break my walls down further and end up earning trust they never were meant to earn. My walls are supposed to thicker and less easy for them to get through but yet it seems they are easier for them to break. I try hard to build them up higher and more sturdy but yet they break them down even that is not my intention to allow them through. My abandonment issues cause me to attach and hold on but yet are repeatedly abandoned.

Questioning peoples motives and why they hurt me

wishing people would stop fucking with my head and if they did not want me to trust them and want me to just keep the wallsup then say so. They do not have to feel incompetant or tell me they are afraid they are incapable of dealing with things if they help open them...They do not really have to deal with SHIT!!! I DO...No One Else!!! its all good the trust is gone now...screw it I never needed anyone in these 31 years and have been able to survive and hold these secrets within me without completely breaking I can keep doing it for another 14 years. I wish people really understood what their words do to me and how much I obsess over things they say. I wish they realized what ABANDONMENT is for me and how I perceive things as being abandoned by everyone in my life up until now and now I think I am completely feeling as if I truly deserve to be abandoned and do not need ANYONE for any reason. Why try as hard as they do to get me to open my self up and trust them only for them to basically want me to shut up and keep it all inside. Why did they work through the barriers only to close them back up with 10 times more shit to work back through to get back to the point where we were a week ago. Why did they just want me to stay closed up and never to speak a word about. KEEP THE SILENCE is what they desire well I will keep it to myself and never trust another living soul for as long as I continue breathing and my heart keeps producing blood. I will never trust again. I am done with letting people in and letting them get close. I am closing myself off to all you have to say and all they desire me to talk to them about. My secrets are safe within me!!!!

More poetry

Another day
Its all the same
Seems just like yesterday
Never knowing what I became
They all walked away
Left me alone
Just wanted them to stay
If they had only known
How much I live in pain
As my life continues down the drain
I have lost the fear
As I no longer care Soon I will not be here

So many people I have known
But yet I still feel all alone
Life has taken its toll
Severly damaging my soul
I will never be whole
I will never be free
All this pain I have buried inside of me
Cant anyone really see
Why wont they just let me be
Let me end all the misery
I dont want to keep just getting by
I just wanna die

So much filth
beneath my skin
buried within my soul
go the secrets still untold
the disgust under my skin
cannot be scrubbed away
nor has it ever faded
disgusted by the filth
that is hidden within
I carve my skin
trying to rid the sin
realizing the dirtiness
will never dissapate
no one really knows nor understands
the damage there is within
as i continue drowning
fading into the darkness
from the dirt beneath my skin

day to day the pain does not really fade
hiding the shame living day to day
wishing it all would fade burying the pain
pushing people away when it becomes too much
I begin to break from all the shame

running through my mind
memories poison me
spinning and racing
remembering where i have been
drowning inside
i am about to fall
dont try to catch me
want my life to end
already dead inside
alone in this world
i continue to crawl
no reason here to live

overwelmed with guilt
i wish i was dead
the pain within
buried by sin
i was betrayed
by my very own mind
just trying to be protected
it could have been anyone
i gave in
let him commit the sin
now i will never win
when will my life begin
or is this just the end

why do i continue to live
why do i even try
why cant i just die
try to let go
try not to tell a living soul
committing suicide is my goal

try to rid myself of the pain
the poison drilled in my brain
the care he gave
sending me to my grave
i remember the first time
i was confused
many thoughts ran through my mind
still feel the confusion inside
continue to tell everyone i am fine
no one for me to confide
the secrets are mine
they stay buried inside
I continue to hide


you think you know me
jus let me be
when will you really see
i will never truly be free
the secrets i hold deep in me
what a relief it would be
if you could really see
then maybe i would feel free